Some days it’s harder to be a hero than others

standard September 15, 2009 1 response

Some days you don’t want to try to consider that the cashier might be crabby because she’s having a rough morning.

Some days you don’t want to consider that maybe your coworkers is doing a poor job because personal issues are preoccupying her.

Some days you don’t want to know why something is being turned in late, sloppy, off topic, or just poorly written. And instead of taking the time to work with the writer to make it better, you just want to rant about how some people suck.

Some days you don’t want to focus on the fact that the three teen boys are having a nice bonding moment. You just want to grumble because they’re being loud while you try to work.

Some days you don’t want to put on a happy face until the real happy follows. You just want to wallow in self pity and grumpiness.

Some days you don’t want to tease the positive out of a thorny situation, to see how it can be turned around to make everyone stronger and better.

Some days you don’t want to see the joy in the world and the people around you. You don’t want to see the silver lining, you just want to see the cloud.

Some days it’s just harder to be a hero and explain away, forgive, or even make the effort to understand the why behind people’s actions and behaviors.

Some days it’s just hard not to join people in their crabby cantankerousness.

And yes, on those days, I know that it’s more important than ever to rise above the urge to say fuck it all and be the better person, see the other side, smile through the grumps, to be the hero.

But man does it suck.

Writing really is the answer! That and the people in the computer.

standard October 1, 2008 2 responses

You know how people always say “Write it down, you’ll feel better.” We’ll it seems that they’re right. Maybe sitting down and putting what had been bothering me into words helped, maybe putting it out there for the world to read made it tangible and therefore fixable, or maybe the support of my Internet friends telling me I wasn’t alone comforted me. Whatever it was, I feel exponentially better today than I did yesterday.

I’m pretty sure at this point that I am not depressed, just as I said, extremely busy and overwhelmed. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and if things don’t settle down I have a couple ideas about how to take control of the situation. And no, it doesn’t involve hiding under the bed until everyone leaves.

For those of you who might be worried that I’m ignoring a potentially bad situation, I carefully pondered the questions that Mihaela left in the comments yesterday and decided I wasn’t at risk.

It’s OK to feel overwhelmed, but do you feel like that for weeks at a time?
Well yes, but it’s pretty recent, and there are, as mentioned yesterday, real reasons for being overwhelmed right now.

Have you lost interest in things you’re usually interested in?
Still want to write, read, watch TV, spend time with my family, and eat. Check.

Is your mind slowing down, are you finding it hard to focus, and not having thoughts/ideas – or having repetitive thoughts (brooding)?
Most definitely not. Lots and lots of ideas. Even an idea for a new novel!

Are you having thoughts that you don’t recognize as your own (such as thoughts about death and dying)?
I’m having more nightmares, but no other scary thoughts.

See? See? I’m going to be just fine. But you know, if you’re extra worried and you want to come clean my house for me you’re more than welcome. What? No? OK, fine. The place will stay messy, I’ll keep plugging away at my to-do lists, and soon, really, really soon, I think I’ll feel on top of everything again. And if I don’t? I’ll just write about it some more until I can see clearly again.

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New The Lemonade Stand post up! Check out the love child of Sesame Street and K’NEX.

I’m fine, really, just a little overwhelmed. Or is it more than that?

standard September 30, 2008 13 responses

“I’ve been reading your blog and I think you’re a touch depressed.” My mother informed me the other day. I brushed her off with a couple “I’m fines.” as I fought back tears.

I’m fine. Really. I just have a lot on my plate right now. A lot.

I mean. I just left my job and I’m starting a new career. I threw my family into financial straights for my own selfish reasons. My husband has been battling a series of back issues (and by back I mean his spine, not as in things from the past), that have been plaguing us (well him, and me by association) for a good 18 months now. I have two very young children, one who is deep into the independent seeking 3s and the other who is right dab in the middle of 14mo separation anxiety and very, very firmly attached to me. We have a brand new schedule to manage; preschool three mornings a week as opposed to just two mornings last year. We fired the cleaning service, so we’re all watching the house fall apart around us. And when I decided to take up jogging as an affordable way to get rid of my last 10 baby pounds I somehow did something to my knee that has made quite painful for me to run.

So, when my car died on Friday, leaving me stranded at home with two little girls and a very full work schedule, and I called my mother to vent, and she told me that she thought I was depressed I don’t think I was overreacting when hearing that made me want to cry. Or was I?

Is depression just the inability to deal with stress without wanting to go hide under the bed? Isn’t is normal for me to be stressed? Don’t I have a couple excuses? I mean, at least I’m sleeping these days, I guess things could be worse. So I need to exercise. Whatever. I’m going to get new running shoes, which should make it possible for me to run again without hobbling for a few days. And I’m eventually going to figure out how to balance marketing myself/working/taking care of the house/and taking care of the kids. I figure I’ll have that sorted out sometime before they leave for college. And after that it won’t matter so much anyway. Right? M will get better, it’s just a matter of time and yoga at this point. And we’ll sort out the car situation sooner or later. We have to, the dealer keeps calling to find out what we want to do.

I am convinced that I am no worse off than any other mom. We all have full plates. We all have a ton to juggle. I am not convinced that I am depressed. I don’t think that me being overwhelmed is a sign of depression. I think it’s just a sign of me being, well, overwhelmed. But a little tiny part of me can’t help but wonder, what if my mom is right? She often is. She might live on the other side of the world, but she knows me better than anyone. Is she on to something? Should I be able to grin and bear all of this? Am I in fact depressed? And how would I ever know? And is it OK that I want to go hide under the bed while I figure it out?