I’ll never be over it

standard September 2, 2014 6 responses

I don’t think I’ll ever be over it. The whole no more babies thing. I can sit and look at my life and marvel at how wonderful it is to no longer be tied to an infant’s schedule or needs. I can sit and watch my children play and thrill at the fact that they no longer need me to hold their hands as they explore their world, test their limits, become who they are. I can sit and enjoy the fact that I am, once again, in control of my schedule, my days, my needs, my wants.

In every abstract way possible I can take stock of our lives and think “We have it good. We have enough. We are blessed with what we have.”

And still, I can hold a day old infant and feel heart-rending sobs threaten to break through.

I will never again feel a baby move within me.

I will never again experience the wonder of creating a life and carrying it to term.

I will never again whisper “welcome to the world” into a tiny ear I’ve been waiting to whisper into for 9 months.

I will never again hold my own newborn up to my breast and feel that deep recognition settle into my heart.

I will love on my friends’ babies.

I will love on my own existing children.

But that thought that I will never again be pregnant, never again give birth, never again nurse a baby, never again bring home a new member of our family… that thought breaks me.

99% of the time I can function happily in that space where I know I have enough, where I know I have been blessed beyond what many others get. I’m grateful for what I have, grateful for what I wake up to every day.

But sometimes I need to wallow in the “what if” and the “why can’t I too.” I hold a friend’s newborn infant in my arms and I wonder what my third would have looked like. What we would have called him or her. What it would be like to welcome another into our lives. And I struggle to breathe, crushed by the weight of missing someone who will never be.

This was taken 7 years ago when Little L and I met for the first time. She still makes that face sometimes.

This was taken 7 years ago when Little L and I met for the first time. She still makes that face sometimes.

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6 responses

  • Isabel

    I feel that feeling almost monthly. I also feel it when my friends have babies (like three or four of them are now) We have three but “what if” is something I think about a lot…I am right with you lady!

  • I agree with you 100%! I sometimes wonder if a third was written to be in my stars…but I go on loving the two I have now…but always and forever will wonder…you are not alone!

  • I have three boys and we are done and I feel the same way every time I see a picture or see a FB update about a pregnancy. Part of me loves the fact that we’ve moved on to our next stage but I LOVED the tiny baby phase so it’s hard for me.

  • Carey Baschuk

    I can understand the feelings you ladies are sharing BUT you need to realize that there are many women who would love to have had your experience of having children. I’m almost 60 years old and I have never been able to get pregnant and the feelings you describe are still there for me even after all this time, for something that you ladies have had the chance to experience.

  • I lost four early pregnancies between my two boys and I wonder so often what those children would have been like? Girls? Boys? What would I have named them? How would they have been the same or different than my other children… I may never know.

  • Jessica

    I used to feel that way before I had my fourth child. After she joined our family, I felt it was complete. I have pangs every once in a while, but not the deep longing ache like it used to be. I encourage everyone to not close the door too soon. Sometimes, logically, it makes sense to stop, but God may have other plans. That being said, I support everyone’s decisions about their own families and I don’t judge.

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