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Pleasant Denial

standard November 9, 2011 2 responses

I always forget. I mean, it’s easy to do so. When I sit at my computer and typetytype into this blog editor, it’s not hard to imagine my virtual friends clicking over and reading the finished post. Imagining my “real” friends doing the same is apparently much harder.

It must be, because I always forget.

And then I write gut wrenching posts and minutes later my phone starts to vibrate.

For a panicked moment I stare at the phone’s display and remember. I remember that people I see daily read my blog, people who care for my children, friends, family members, people I only run into once in a blue moon at Starbucks. I think back to what I wrote and published without a second thought. And I cringe.

It’s like realizing that you went outside naked, but worse.

When you’re out and about and people say “Hi! How are you?” the correct answer is always “I’m fine.” When you’ve just splashed your soul onto people’s computer screens you can’t really say that and have them believe you. It makes for an awkward moment or two until you shrug and say “Well, you know…” and then change the conversation.

I always forget. It really is easy. Most people don’t mention that they read my blog, so when the phone does ring, when the texts flood my inbox, when my friends reach out and ask, this time for real, not as a socially acceptable nicety, how I’m doing, it’s always a shock to realize just how many of them do read it.

For a second I feel like running in the other direction. So many people looking right into my heart and my soul. So many people privy to my innermost thoughts and fears. And then I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

I’m grateful to have friends who read my words.

I’m grateful to have friends who know when to sit back and read silently, no judgment, no comment.

And more than anything, I’m grateful to have friends who speak up when it matters, who reach out when I need it to offer hugs and words of support.

I love my friends. Thank you for being here for me.

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2 responses

  • Cristie Ritz King

    So great. I remember the first time someone where I live now came up and said something about the blog. I was literally sick to my stomach. To me, it was this other persona-the one that says whatever she thinks because no one knows her. Oops-they do. I too realized that day how kind my real life friends are. Sometimes with the closeness I feel toward online friends I underestimate how great the ones I see every day are too. Thanks for reminding me to pay attention to that.

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