Last week a tragedy occurred in our community and I so want to write about it, but the words that keep swirling in my head are “there but for the grace of God…” and that’s so not what I want to say. Even more importantly, it’s so not socially acceptable to say that I can’t even find a way to write the post I want to write.
Everything I would like to say would get lost on that one note. No one would read beyond that.
And that pretty much sums up my blogger’s block this year.
There’s so much to say. So many thoughts. So many emotions. So many things to be worked through.
But I’m stuck.
I think about M and his face as he reads what I write.
I think about my mom, my dad, my sisters, and how they worry about me.
I think about my friends and how I don’t want them to think of me as being callous, small minded, or unable to simply deal with what’s going on.
I have this image of who I am, an image that I others also see. I’m a decent person. I help when I can. I think good thoughts. I do my part to fix the world and I try to be someone people can depend on when they’re in need.
It’s just that sometimes I’m basely human.
I get scared.
I get tired and weary.
I get frustrated.
I get angry. So very very angry.
And yes, sometimes I get self centered. I do think “there but for the grace of god go we” when I hear of tragedy befalling others. I do think that our own lot sucks and is unfair. I do get lost in a mental daydream of “what if…”
And then I feel endlessly guilty and unworthy of this image that I try to embody. I feel shallow and petty and mean.
And I can’t write about it because it would make those emotions and thoughts more real, more concrete. It would give the words that sometimes take over my head more power than they deserve.
When the words have swirled away, I know they’re not a real reflection of who I am or what I really think. I’m human. It’s normal to think of me and how things affect me first. Let the first person who wouldn’t think those thoughts throw the first stone.
And yet, I want to leave no physical trace of them, and so I don’t write. And the words don’t get purged the way they would if I could put them out to the world. Instead they build up and block the way for the other words, the nicer words, to come through.
Is it really any wonder that I’m posting more sponsored posts than ever these days?