Why the words are stuck

standard October 11, 2011 17 responses

Last week a tragedy occurred in our community and I so want to write about it, but the words that keep swirling in my head are “there but for the grace of God…” and that’s so not what I want to say. Even more importantly, it’s so not socially acceptable to say that I can’t even find a way to write the post I want to write.

Everything I would like to say would get lost on that one note. No one would read beyond that.

And that pretty much sums up my blogger’s block this year.

There’s so much to say. So many thoughts. So many emotions. So many things to be worked through.

But I’m stuck.

I think about M and his face as he reads what I write.

I think about my mom, my dad, my sisters, and how they worry about me.

I think about my friends and how I don’t want them to think of me as being callous, small minded, or unable to simply deal with what’s going on.

I have this image of who I am, an image that I others also see. I’m a decent person. I help when I can. I think good thoughts. I do my part to fix the world and I try to be someone people can depend on when they’re in need.

It’s just that sometimes I’m basely human.

I get scared.

I get tired and weary.

I get frustrated.

I get angry. So very very angry.

And yes, sometimes I get self centered. I do think “there but for the grace of god go we” when I hear of tragedy befalling others. I do think that our own lot sucks and is unfair. I do get lost in a mental daydream of “what if…”

And then I feel endlessly guilty and unworthy of this image that I try to embody. I feel shallow and petty and mean.

And I can’t write about it because it would make those emotions and thoughts more real, more concrete. It would give the words that sometimes take over my head more power than they deserve.

When the words have swirled away, I know they’re not a real reflection of who I am or what I really think. I’m human. It’s normal to think of me and how things affect me first. Let the first person who wouldn’t think those thoughts throw the first stone.

And yet, I want to leave no physical trace of them, and so I don’t write. And the words don’t get purged the way they would if I could put them out to the world. Instead they build up and block the way for the other words, the nicer words, to come through.

Is it really any wonder that I’m posting more sponsored posts than ever these days?

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17 responses

  • I don’t necessarily think that “There but for the Grace of God” is callous. I think it recognizes the good we have, even if that good is sometimes small – and especially when perhaps we have not been recognizing that good. But, I get what you’re saying. I often censor my own posts based on who will read it and how they will read it. Sometimes I don’t censor something and sure enough I get a response – I’m worried…or that made me sad…or are you okay? But, I think real is necessary at times – for exactly the reason you say and because someone reading out there will be struck by the fact that they are not alone in thinking those thoughts or feeling those feelings or whatever it is. Anyways…I get it. Just thought I would say that.

  • I love you. Just write. Get it out. Free yourself, sweetheart. This emotional constipation isn’t good for you.

  • Cristie Ritz King

    You could write it and we wouldn’t think less because we know you are intrinsically good, and patient and kind. Still, if you don’t want to write it here I get that. But write it somewhere. Because in addition to good and patient and kind, you are also, intrinsically, a writer and if you keep your stories in, even the stories you aren’t proud of, then who is in charge? You give the words power, not the other way around. Keeping them in means you stop up that power or yield it to the ugly or callous or afraid. So let it out somewhere and take back being in charge.

  • you ARE allowed to have your emotions, your thoughts, your concerns and your whathaveyous. It’s a part of being human. And you’re allowed to share it in whatever way you want, or don’t want. As you say, it’s MY life (or YOUR life.)

    I get it. I SO get the not wanting to share every tiny bit of us with the world because of a response, or because of what it may say about you (or me, if I share it.)

    It’s totally fine to censor ourselves. Goodness knows I sure do!

  • oh. Also? It’s totally fine to shout it from the rooftops. That’s the beauty in being your own publisher, right?

  • I love this post. I think I can totally relate to what you mean. There are times when I get SO angry I just want to rant on and on, but I know it’s not fair to myself or my readers in the long run. Do write though, even if you never post it and let the words you want to save rise to the surface.

  • There are so many situations we experience on a weekly basis that we can say “There but for the Grace of G-D”, and it make you sigh in relief. Having experienced a personal tragedy, I can understand how you feel. I know that in telling close friends what happened, the look on their face of both horror and relief was visible. Some never again spoke of what happened but I could tell it impacted them.

    However you feel is OK. It took me 4 years to say something online. Sometimes the online space isn’t the place. But at the same time, it’s hard not to put up a false sense of who you are or what you’re dealing with.

    Honestly, sometimes the online space is not the best place to deal with things going on in our lives. Especially when those things may involve our family and we want to protect their privacy.

    I hope one day you will be at peace.

  • I love your writing, but totally understand that feeling, that hesitation. Its one reason I haven’t been writing on my personal blog as much recently.

    I agree with others — write somewhere, even if its just in a journal that no one else will read.

  • One of my therapists way back when told me something I have never forgotten. It puts feelings in perspective. Here it is: We are allowed to be happy express happiness, and most of all feel happiness. We allow ourselves that freely. However, when things are bad or hurtful or painful we stifle it. We don’t allow ourselves to feel the pain, hurt etc. If we allowed that for ourselves, we are allowing ourselves to process just the same as we would happiness. Feeling the way you do right now is not a bad thing in any way, and is a feeling like any other. A feeling that you must have and process.

    If you’re unable to post it, or talk about it, write it to yourself. I have on many occassions written e-mails, or letters or even the letter in a journal with the full intent (at the time) to send the letter. I put it aside as I would any other rought draft and then I tweak it, edit and everything else. I never send it. It is always so great to get the words out even if I’m the only person who ever sees them. Consider writing it for YOURSELF!

    You rock, did I mention that?

  • I understand. It’s so hard when you go through a difficult time to write without people worrying about you. The best advice I ever go was, write your truth. And I did. And I felt better.

    I’m here for you.

  • thank you for laying your heart out and letting us into whats going on in your head, talking so transparently. thinking of you and wishing you both peace and clarity.

  • I agree with 2ndheartmom – I don’t think it is callous to think “but for the Grace of God…”

    But I know what you mean. I have been going through such a hard time and I know I need to write to sort through my chaos and pain. But there is too much that should never be read by some people in my life. So, it stays bottled up and I stay stuck. HUGS

  • I don’t know what’s going on, but from what I’m reading, I think you’re being too hard on yourself and expecting too much of yourself. I love you, regardless. <3

  • I absolutely get it on the censoring of our thoughts. I probably don’t do it enough–although this last month has been a constant censor because I would like to write about things that are happening with my daughter at school, but cannot.

    I do hope you write about it–somehow, somewhere, at some point. Because your words have so much grace and emotion and beauty–that they would be inspiring no matter what the topic.

  • Somedays I wonder how I write at all. I have posts locked inside me that would hit page views galore … but not always my stories to tell the repercussions would run too deep … my family should not fall folly to my fodder … well, there is a bumper sticker for bloggers 😉
    Today I wrote about the ‘wrath of God’, tongue in cheek – it may get me banished from my homeschool group! Be true to you, not always easy. I love the you that is here in your blog – its why I am here now …

  • HUGS! I can relate… yes I can. We have good we have bad, sometimes the bad or not so nice thoughts rise above the good ones but it is the strong who survive get past it and move forward. I too have been struggling .. I can relate.

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