I spent the month of April in shock and the month of May in a fog. I got up every morning, had breakfast, got the kids dressed, took them to school or daycare, made sure they were clean and happy. Then I sat down… and I must have done work.
Blog posts have been written. Emails have been answered. Contracts have been read, signed, sent back.
I wrote my column for both months so clearly I was able to interview people. And there’s been relatively little screaming about things that have fallen through the cracks.
Heck, I even managed to pay the school fees and stuff relatively on time.
What’s amazing about all that is that I barely remember any of it.
Last night I opened a Facebook message requiring me to fill out a form. It was sent a full month ago. I could have sworn that I only just received it.
Today we ran out of cat food. Again, I could have sworn that I bought a month’s supply just last week.
I remember April. I’d love to forget it, but I remember it clearly.
It’s May I seem to have lost.
I know that somewhere in the middle I frantically cleaned the house so we could host C’s 6th birthday party. Other than that, all I can remember is spending a lot of time staring at my computer wondering what I should be doing. I went to bed early a lot. You know, because I never was able to remember what I should be doing.
Who knows how long that would have lasted if a friend hadn’t flown cross-country for a visit.
She swooped in last Sunday, and I’ll admit, I felt some panic at having to entertain someone in the sluglike state I was stuck in. But, as true childhood friends are wont to do, she just came and was perfect.
She baked us cookies. She played with the kids. She talked about anything and everything. She hung curtains in the dining room and kitchen and even helped me attempt to replace the old rug in the living room. (M hated the one we bought, so back to Ikea it went.)
It was so… normal.
I took her to the airport on Friday and was able to spend the weekend actually relaxing, not just going through the motions.
Yesterday I woke up feeling a bit more in control. The to do list I crafted in the shower was less about survival and more about getting ahead. The conversations I had during the day were less about rehashing things that can’t be changed and more about what could be tackled next.
Three months ago I felt on top of my world and at the top of my game. Getting back up after having the rug pulled out from under me has felt both pointless and impossible.
This week I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off.
I don’t know what the future is going to bring. I know I’m not going to keep my positive outlook every day. But today? This week? I’m feeling strong enough to start moving forward again.