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Ineffable plans and faith

standard May 3, 2011 7 responses

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“God has a plan for our family.”

I hear these words from friends and family and I just wish I had their faith. These days it all feels a whole lot more like “Man plans; God laughs.”

Two months ago I thought I had it all figured out. I had a plan. A great, awesome plan. I was going to work at something that filled me with passion and energy and still have the time to be the mom I want to be. I was going to work my way to being more available to my family all while earning more money.

I had visions of more relaxed commutes to school and picking up the girls at 3pm, leaving us plenty of time to go home, do homework, make real meals, and even maybe take on after-school activities.

I had visions of being the mom I’ve always dreamed of being.

All I’ve ever wanted to be was a mom. Some people dream of careers, of exciting futures. My dreams were filled with babies and little children.

My answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” was always “I want to be happy and I want to be a mom.”

I knew I’d be a great mom and I thought I’d get to have lots of kids. Four at least. I’d be home with them, caring for them myself, being their everything.

I put my first daughter in daycare exactly three months after she was born. I put the second one in daycare just under four months after she drew her first breath. I’ve shared all of their baby milestones with their daycare providers. And while it’s been an amazing partnership from day one, it just wasn’t how I envisioned my life as a mother.

I’m not a career girl. I’m not driven to succeed at anything… except mothering.

My plan is falling through.

Like it often does, life didn’t go the way we anticipated. The playing field has changed and taken with it my game plan.

I’m sitting here, staring ahead and I can’t see the road. I want to trust that there’s a bigger plan. One that I can’t see. But I’m struggling to find the faith in me.

Right now I see a future of me… working…. rushing home to parent in dribs and drabs where I can fit it in… in a home that no one has time to care for. I see no third child… no baby to love and cherish. I see no self started business that allows me to balance it all better.

I see nothing of what I had envisioned. And it just makes me sad.

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7 responses

  • I could write about book about the life I had envisioned for myself, but someone already started a blog about. Catalog Living, anyone?

    “Everything happens for a reason” and “God has a plan for our family” are the kind platitudes that well-meaning friends(and I count myself among them)say when there are no other words…

    The truth is what you’re going through is HARD and it sucks. But I know you’re going to find boundless strength and a brand new path. You have a house full of love and a life full of friends and family who will keep the faith for you.

    Like Glinda the Good Witch to Dorothy: “You’ve always had the power…you just have to learn it for yourself”.

  • It’s hard to follow Grace’s eloquent words but I have faith that you will find your path- the one that allows you to be a mother your children and have the self started business you want. Maybe you can’t see it now because it’s so far down the road and perhaps the road is really windy but I’m here for you during your journey and will celebrate with you when you get there!

  • I wish there was something that I could say that Grace didn’t already say. I’m reading her comment and nodding along.

    She’s right, you know. It’s not easy to hear about these plans and reasons, but there is a path. Whether it’s predicted or planned or you take yourself there, it’s life. You’ll make the best of it.

    And you’ll have your friends and family by your side when you need them, which makes you a pretty lucky person.

    But even more, you have you. And you’re a strong person with tremendous love. That, my friend, is what matters most of all.

    Many virtual hugs. And for lack of a better term, hang in there. XOXO

  • Grace said it way better than I can. The truth of the matter is, your dream is still there, it just got farther away, and the road longer to travel. Or maybe the weather is just bad in your travel TO IT and you just can’t see it through the mist and fog of what’s happening right now. What IS going to happen? You’re going to do it. Normalcy will resume amongst this “new normal” and you will push forward, or fine-tune your plans to STILL make it happen, and one day you’ll be sitting in front of potential clients, or drawing up your “about” page to your new site, and you’ll tell this story about needing balance yourself, needing to begin this journey, and how life threw you a curveball, but you plowed through it to achieve exactly what THEY are there for.

    You will do it, because I know you. You won’t quit until you do. And it’s harder to achieve now, but you’re going to do it. And you’ll look back at yourself, your first “test” case, being through the wringer, and it’ll make you THAT much better at what you want to do. You’ll see.

    xoxo

  • I could have written that post word for word, except I don’t have a second child yet because we can’t afford it. I also just wanted to be a mother, instead I feel like a teacher with a daughter. It’s not the same. I wish I had answers. I wish I knew how to make it better. If I did I probably wouldn’t need to work because I’d be rich! I hope you get to be the mother you always dreamed of being. I hope that for both of us.

  • I know those words seem empty, but those people are on the outside looking in and see that this is all just a bump in the road. From your perspective though, it may not look that way, because that bump? It feels like a mountain.

    Lean on your friends, and family. We’re here for you.

  • From one “ineffable plans and faith” Mom to another… huge HUGS! I feel the exact same way, exact. love ya!

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