“Everything happens for a reason.”
“God has a plan for our family.”
I hear these words from friends and family and I just wish I had their faith. These days it all feels a whole lot more like “Man plans; God laughs.”
Two months ago I thought I had it all figured out. I had a plan. A great, awesome plan. I was going to work at something that filled me with passion and energy and still have the time to be the mom I want to be. I was going to work my way to being more available to my family all while earning more money.
I had visions of more relaxed commutes to school and picking up the girls at 3pm, leaving us plenty of time to go home, do homework, make real meals, and even maybe take on after-school activities.
I had visions of being the mom I’ve always dreamed of being.
All I’ve ever wanted to be was a mom. Some people dream of careers, of exciting futures. My dreams were filled with babies and little children.
My answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?” was always “I want to be happy and I want to be a mom.”
I knew I’d be a great mom and I thought I’d get to have lots of kids. Four at least. I’d be home with them, caring for them myself, being their everything.
I put my first daughter in daycare exactly three months after she was born. I put the second one in daycare just under four months after she drew her first breath. I’ve shared all of their baby milestones with their daycare providers. And while it’s been an amazing partnership from day one, it just wasn’t how I envisioned my life as a mother.
I’m not a career girl. I’m not driven to succeed at anything… except mothering.
My plan is falling through.
Like it often does, life didn’t go the way we anticipated. The playing field has changed and taken with it my game plan.
I’m sitting here, staring ahead and I can’t see the road. I want to trust that there’s a bigger plan. One that I can’t see. But I’m struggling to find the faith in me.
Right now I see a future of me… working…. rushing home to parent in dribs and drabs where I can fit it in… in a home that no one has time to care for. I see no third child… no baby to love and cherish. I see no self started business that allows me to balance it all better.
I see nothing of what I had envisioned. And it just makes me sad.