He’s back. Egmos is back and bigger than ever. So big in fact, that I couldn’t see him, sitting there, squatting in the front of my brain, clouding my judgment, coloring my thoughts.
He feeds on doubt and envy and I’ve been filled to the brim with both these last few weeks. He feeds and then regurgitates more of the same, ensuring himself more meals that fatten him and give him even more power over me.
He tells me I’m fat, that I’m no good, that I’ll never amount to anything. He tells me to give up, that I’ll never do anything worthwhile. He tells me my book will never sell, that I’m a bad friend, that I don’t deserve to see my dreams fulfilled. And if that isn’t enough to get me down, he tells me that my dreams are dumb anyway and a waste of my time.
I should be taking better care of my kids, my husband, my house instead of spending countless hours working towards this useless dream of mine. I should be reaching out to friends and family to see how I can be more supportive of them instead of letting calls go to voicemail and emails go unanswered.
Egmos tells me these things all day long until I feel worthless, fat, dumb. When I pick up my head and square my shoulders back, he whispers them in my ear until I droop and drag again.
I’d forgotten that he’s just renting space in my head, that I choose to let him stay. I’d forgotten that I’m the boss of him, not the other way around.
Little L fingers a lock of my post-shower wet hair and looks at it with wonder. “You’re beautiful.” she whispers with awe.
Egmos takes a step back.
“I love you. You’re wonderful.” M whispers late at night.
Egmos takes another step back.
“I look good today. I took a walk. And I like this chapter I just wrote. Not half bad for one day.” I think to myself.
Egmos takes another step back and a weight starts to lift.
I’ve bested him before and I can do it again. I won’t let the Evil Green Monster of Self-doubt control me. Not any more.