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standard December 15, 2009 1 response

It is 11:42 and instead of getting ready for bed I am
– editing Parenting on the Peninsula articles that I should have edited two days ago.
– thinking up blog posts for the Tiny Prints blog.
– wondering if the kids have any clean clothes for tomorrow.
– wondering if I have any clean clothes for tomorrow.
– worrying about a deadline that I didn’t meet today.
– trying to think ahead to our trip on Saturday so that I get everything ready before we leave.
– trying to remember everything that needs to be done before we leave Saturday.
– worrying about all the Christmas shopping that I haven’t done.
– worrying about the book that I haven’t yet read. (Sorry Genevieve!)
– worrying about the fact that I haven’t lost any weight in the last few months. Instead I have gained some.
– eating some rice pudding.
– worrying about the car that is starting to show signs of imminent demise.
– scratching my rash. (Soon none of this will matter because I shall be a lizard. Yay me.)
– agonizing over the housing/move situation
– agonizing over the school situation
– agonizing over the money situation.
– wondering when I’ll ever find the time to start finish the edits for my novel.
– feeling sad for yet another blogging/twitter mother who lost her 2-year-old son today.

He was Little L’s age. And just as full of life and fun as she is. Thinking of him and his mother tonight should make everything else just fade into perspective, but it’s really just bringing it further into the light. I hate being tortured by these piddly worries when there are huge big monster issues that people are dealing with. I want to just focus on the fact that my kids and my husband are healthy and sleeping soundly close by. But that’s not getting the articles edited, or the suitcases packed. It’s not getting the presents ordered, or the blog posts written.

I want to stop and weep for this mom and dad who have lost their son. I want to wail and scream that the world is unfair and that babies should never die, but I also want to just get my stuff done so I can finally get some sleep so I can deal with tomorrow which will be just as busy and crazy as today. And I feel terrible guilt that I’m too stressed to give this poor baby the attention and grief that he deserves.

And if that isn’t messed up, I really don’t know what is.

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1 response

  • I remember when my mom died, I realized that the best thing about life is that it goes on and the worst thing about life is that it goes on.

    Allow yourself to grief, and realize that much of what you wrote about is picky stuff (no pun intended re: your rash–hahahahaha.)

    Last night, a friend of mine wrote to me on facebook and asked me to pray. Her 23-year-old daughter has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer.

    I remember the night Renee called me to tell me she Katie had been born. I was six months pregnant, so until they moved away, Katie and Mac were pals.

    I read this post after typing my status update on fb. I have three young women very close who are dealing with cancer. It offers great perspective…and I hate it.

    What on your list can you let go so you can grieve? But then again life goes on and should be embraced…

    Sorry this is a mess.

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