I want to breathe in deeply. I crave a lungful of air, but no matter how hard I try I never seem to be able to fill my lungs to capacity.
It’s not asthma or some other lung disease.
It’s anxiety. Pure and simple.
Anxiety has got my chest in a vice grip and it’s just not letting go.
Now I’m no stranger to anxiety. I think it’s the bane of anyone who happens to care a lick about anything. But usually I can pinpoint what is causing my chest to constrict, figure out how to fix it, and then fix it.
But I’ve been unable to take a decent deep breath for well over a week now, and there are actually times when my chest hurts from all the pent up tension, but I can’t figure out what is causing the anxiety so I can’t fix it.
Odds are it’s the book. Or rather the eternal fight between the “will I ever find it in me to finish this book” and the “why bother, it’s no good anyway.”
Or maybe it’s pure and simple fear that not only do I not have it in me to finish this book, but I won’t have it in me to accept that it might not be any good and that I have to put it aside and forget the months that I spent on it so I can focus on the next one, which may or may not be better.
Or maybe it’s BlogHer and the expense associated with this weekend that I’ve been looking forward to for just about 12 months now.
Or maybe it’s just money, pure and simple. Or rather lack of money because after almost a year I’m still not making the kind of money I need to make to keep this family afloat. And the guilt I feel about that deserves it’s own set of lungs to choke.
Or maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, which doesn’t bode well for my ability to make it all stop already.
I know that there are any number of pills that could help me relax, but I’m obstinate in my refusal to take any. I just want to figure out what is actually wrong, fix it, and get on with my generally quite happy life.
Seriously. This is not depression. This is not a long term thing. This is me being human and reacting to a slight overload of stress and very high (self imposed) expectations. I’ll be ok. You know, as soon as I figure out how to breathe again.
This post was inspired by my mounting anxiety and by the Sunday Scribblings prompt Human. (And yes, I know this was a stretch. What can I say… I’m only human.) Be sure to click through to read other great entries!
It’s the last day! Gak. Last day to vote in the BlogLuxe awards! You’ll find It’s my life… in the Blog I’ve Learned The Most From category where you can cast your vote once a day until July 6th. I’m not above begging for votes. Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top? I’ll pink puffy heart you forever and ever and ever! Honest! I mean, I already do, but I will even more!