The two numbers that rule my life

standard June 1, 2009 4 responses

I once resolved to kick my scale habit because daily weigh-ins were making me nuts. I managed to stick to one weekly weigh in for months, but slowly the scale has called to me more and more often and I’m back to stepping on every morning.

I can’t help it. It’s like a drug. I don’t want to weigh myself, I don’t really want to know, but I see the scale and I start to wonder. I think, “I was really good yesterday. I stuck to my Weight Watchers points. I exercised, did it pay off?”

So I step on. I step off, shift the scale a bit. Step on. Step off, shift the scale again. Step on. After three or five tries I finally decide that I’m not going to see a lower number and I step off one last time. It doesn’t matter how well I slept or how great a day I have planned, if the number has gone up from the day before my day is shot. If the number has gone down I’ll be on cloud nine all day.

It’s absurd. It’s stupid. But again, I can’t help it. The number on the scale rules my day. It’ll determine if my pants feel tight or I feel sexy in my top. It’ll dictate how I feel about my meals throughout the day. And it even seeps into how I feel about everything else in my life. I feel like a better, smarter writer on the days the scale has gone down.

And that’s when the other number that increasingly rules my days comes into play. Because once I’ve gotten dressed and attempted to move on, I turn on the computer and check my blog stats for the day.

That too is a sickness. Nothing rides on these stats. It’s not like I’m getting paid to entertain you all with my daily neuroses insights. I tell myself I just want to see who’s linked to me, where new readers are coming from, anything to justify clicking through to GetClicky multiple times a day.

I know you’ll be shocked, but when I click through and the numbers are lower than the day before, well, I get depressed. I know! Shocking. Told you so.

Again, I know that it’s absurd and stupid, but I can’t help myself. The number on the scale reflects how I feel about myself. And I worry that the number on GetClicky reflects how the rest of the world feels about me. I told you, I have issues.

I wish I had the strength to throw away my scale and disconnect my blog from statistics software. I wish I didn’t let it all get to me so much. But mostly I wish I knew in my gut and my heart that I’m good enough they way I am and I didn’t need numbers to validate me.

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4 responses

  • I am right there with you on both sides. And it always seems like the wrong one of those two numbers goes up! What can ya do?

    (Hey, look, I commented! LOL)

  • I crave comments. Crave them. The stats are good, but I hope for conversation. So I totally get what you’re saying. (And I apologize for not always leaving a comment every time I visit your blog!)

    As for the scale, as someone who has been close to being honestly labeled with an eating disorder (unless you think 109 at 5’7″ sounds healthy–that’s in the past), I totally get the weight thing, too. But I manage not to weigh myself more than once a week.

    So, there you go girl, empathy but no answers!

  • Fortunately, I’m too clued out to know anything about blog stats, etc (as you know), but the scale and I are old friend/enemies (obviously, more enemies than friends). We don’t like each other. So I, being the superior being, removed its batteries. So there.

    I sort of did the same thing to my Visa bill – I ignore it until my hubby says “You bought WHAT?!?!” and then I have to think really fast.

    Too bad we don’t have a meter that could measure how much you help your friends, how you influence people, what a great mom/wife/person you are. Then you’d be way up there. I’d put in my 2 cents for sure. 🙂

  • I too am on weight watchers and I am ruled by the scale! My husband told me I needed to stop weighing myself so much but I just can’t!! I have to see where I am. I have to know how much I weigh with clothes on, after I use the bathroom and if I lost weight while I was sleeping! I completely understand!

    I too want to see the stats all the time! My personal blog is new and so it is just gaining traffic and I check it often!

    I am so obsessed with numbers! I totally hear you!

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