The return of Egmos, the Evil Green Monster of Self-Doubt

standard June 28, 2009 3 responses

First there was Egmos. (For those of you who don’t feel like clicking through, Egmos is my own personal Evil Green Monster of Self-Doubt.)

Then there was plain ol’ laziness and procrastination.

Third there was life which has a tendency to get in the middle of everything else. (Though some would argue that everything else is also life, which makes that analogy a bit convoluted and complicated and a bit like a snake chasing its own tail.)

But despite all that I was pretty darn close to reaching my self imposed goal of 80 000 words by the end of June.

In fact, if I had stayed on track I would have reached my goal without any issues.

But last week I started to doubt myself. I started to think that the whole book sucked and that I was wasting my time. So I took a day off. Worked on a ton of other stuff. Then I took another day off, and another. Not surprisingly I fell behind. A lot behind. So far behind that it’s June 28th today, there are three days left in June, and I’m only at 70 699. And while I know that it’s not really about the numbers, it’s about the story, my story isn’t done. It needs a few more words. Like maybe another 9 301 words.

All the writing books I’ve been reading (shh don’t tell my dad, he thinks they’re useless) say that your first novel is usually unpublishable. And if it’s going be unpublishable maybe it’s not even worth finishing, right?

Well, uh, no.

After a week of that kind of lamentation I realized what was going on. Egmos is changing his tactics. He’s getting smarter. But I’m not falling for it. I’m taking a stand.

First of all, not all first novels are unpublishable. Some are quite good.

Second, even if it’s never published at least it will have helped me learn and grow as a writer. Something I can definitely use.

Third, after all this time and hard work I owe it to myself to at the very least finish the first draft and then rework it until it’s as good as possible.

So there Egmos! Get back in your lair. You aren’t going to win this round. I will finish this draft, and the ones that follow. Even if it takes me to the end of the week instead of the end of the month.

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