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I miss the time when no one else knew them

standard May 6, 2009 11 responses

This morning a friend who just found out she’s pregnant (One of many right now!) asked me if I was glad I wasn’t the one calling with the news.

My gut reaction was a resounding Duh! Twenty-one months without sleep does not foster any kind of baby lust at all. The thought of another two years of being woken up multiple times a night sends shivers down my back, and not the good kinds of shivers.

And yet, as glad as I am to not be pregnant, a part of me is insanely jealous. Don’t tell anyone, OK? But I kind of miss being pregnant. No, not the nausea, weird cravings, back aches, constant peeing, or wild mood swings. I just miss that oneness with the baby.

For nine (or ten, depending on how you count) relatively short months my babies and I were a whole. It was the two of us, united against the world. During those months I was that baby’s entire world. She didn’t know anything else and no one else knew her.

It’s selfish and shallow and even maybe a bit silly, but I miss being my children’s whole world. These days Daddy is their prince and I’m just in the way. Last week, two days in a row I was summarily dismissed when he got home. Sent away with a resounding “Bye bye! Mommy go! Daddy stays!” I walked away, a bit shocked that I could just walk away and leave them behind.

There are no words to express the love that wells up inside me when I watch my children play with their father. When them run to him in the morning for a last hug goodbye or beg for one final kiss at bedtime I marvel at the bonds they’ve developed over the years. It’s everything it should be. It’s ideal and perfect.

But sometimes I watch them from the sidelines, one hand on my belly, remembering what it was like when I was the only one who knew them at all, and hoping that one day I’ll get to feel that closeness again.

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11 responses

  • How about when he’s 14 and he walks to your office doorway and says, “You have no power over me; Dad has some.” That’s the kind of Daddy time I’m into these days–at least one of us has some power! 😉

  • You expressed it perfectly. I looovvveeeddd feeling my babies living inside of me, and having that oneness with them. Plus, they were a lot easier to take care of when they were in there… 😉

  • So sweet!

    I don’t think I appreciated that side of pregnancy enough at the time.

  • Emily @mamasick

    I totally get it. I loved being pregnant. It was like my son and me against the world. I loved going to work with him every day and saying, “Who hoo, it’s the weekend!” on Friday afternoons. (Yes, I really did that to him!)

    I could have been pregnant forever, I so enjoyed nurturing my liitle one, even with Gestational Diabetes.

    I will say though that when you have a boy, you are still their whole world. Mommy is number one…at least for a little longer!

  • You captured a really beautiful memory. But as you’ve realized there are still a lot more beautiful moments to come with your kids.

    Mine are now 14 and 17 and I still enjoy every phase–well, almost every phase! 😉

  • I’d never do it again … but my fave was taking a bubble bath and watching the bubbles moved while my pre-Emily kicked inside me. Like our first swim class…

  • So sweet, my son is 22, and I can remember feeling that way.

    Yesterday a friend who is my age, 48, posted on faebook that his son was turning three. I was envious of that.

    I miss my son at every age.

  • Ruth

    I know what you mean. Wouldn’t want to go back to pregnancy or babyhood, but there was something enthralling about that connection.

    Let’s just say by the time they’re 11 and almost 14 it’s not exactly the same 🙂

  • You are not alone! We can’t have any more kids and with Baby K about 9 months now I could not imagine having a another baby – but I do recall being the same way before Baby K was born, and even now sometimes I see a pregnant belly and miss it!

    I stumbled for you – thanks for being my bloggy friend!


  • My girls are 26 and 22, and I can still remember what it was like being pregnant. You don’t forget. I’m a grandmom now and it was awesome just watching & listening to DD26 experience each new moment.

  • God bless you – I am ok with never being pregnant again. I had a little more freedom when my daughter was inside me but I don’t think it was enough to make me miss the experience. I wonder if I am the only one whose kid still prefers me to their dad? LM loves his dad and loves to play with him but brian is chop liver if I am around. I know that will change some day….

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