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Spectator for a reason

standard April 10, 2009 3 responses

For years I was plagued with the feeling of being a spectator in my own life. I always felt like I was standing just outside all the action and it bothered me to no end. I hated feeling like I could never really be in the moment.

Two years ago I even blogged about how upset I was about the dislocated feeling. I couldn’t help it, I felt like I was missing out on everything.

Today I understand why I’m a spectator. I believe it’s because I am, by trade and by nature, a writer. I can never really be 100% in the moment because a part of my brain is always trying to analyze what’s going on, how I’ll be able to describe it best, which parts I’ll want to remember so I can write about them. I never think “Oh look, there goes C with a bucket,” instead I think “C’s golden hair flows behind her as she runs out the door clasping her purple Easter bucket in her little hands.” Then I’ll spend a minute wondering if her hair is more like spun gold or like molten caramel, before finally deciding on spun gold.

Some days the whole constant spectator bit is still annoying and I wish I could just enjoy my kids and their antics instead of trying to immortalize the moment in words. But for the most part when I catch my brain in hyper descriptive mode I just smile and nod. It’s part of the package, like the pens and notebooks that litter my bag and the cramped fingers at the end of a long and productive day. And the bonus is the colorful and descriptive written records of the day to day moments that might have been forgotten if I didn’t have my writer’s outlook on life.

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3 responses

  • Aren’t you, in fact, in the moment, aware of everything, if you are considering how to write it?

  • Very well written, I too am a spectator not because I am a writter but because my mind is constantly on its own little tangent of what needs to be doen and by when LOL

  • This is a really interesting post, and something I’ve been dealing with lately as well.
    I like your take on it. Makes me feel more forgiving of the role.

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