The words rose to my lips and I fought them back. What was I thinking? You don’t tell someone you’ve known for less than 10 hours that you love them. Who does that? Desperate crazy girls do that, that’s who, and I was most definitely neither crazy nor desperate.
In fact, what was I doing even thinking those words?! This was supposed to be my big one night stand come back. Well not come back, since there was nothing to really come back from. It was more my big one night stand start! I was done, done, done with relationships! No more of that nonsense. After a long painful five year+ nightmare and a confusing 1 year thing*, I was ready to live it up and enjoy my twenties.
It was going to be awesome. I had in mind one long stretch of parties and guys. Fun without remorse, lots of experience, lots of nuttiness, lots of living. There was most definitely not supposed to be any tomorrows, “call me!”s, worry, angst, or any of the other things that my previous relationships had entailed.
So what was I doing even thinking those words in regards to the young man lying in bed besides me? I was supposed to get up in the morning and leave without a backwards glance. And yet, as I drifted off to sleep*, the urge to murmur “I love you.” as if it was something I did every night and couldn’t sleep well without doing.
In my soul I just knew instantly that there would be no goodbyes, just a long series of hellos and an even longer longer series of nights that end in a tender murmured “I love you.” Over eight years later I still turn to that same boy sleeping besides me every night and murmur those very words before I drift off to sleep. My day just isn’t complete without that moment.
*If we’d been married we would have called it an affair, only we weren’t married, or even in other relationships. It happened behind closed doors and his friends and family never knew about me. It was a weird thing. There’s just no other word.
This post was inspired by the Sunday Scribblings prompt “I knew instantly…” Please click here to read other wonderful entries.
Original It’s my life… post.