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Things that went through my mind last night as my baby cried herself to sleep

standard April 16, 2008 7 responses

I’m not a monster. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. She’s fine. I’m fine. She’s fine. She won’t hate me in the morning. She’s OK. She’s just angry. Breathe Jessica. Breathe. Oh my God. She sounds like she’s possessed. It’s like an exorcism. I should tape these sounds and use them in a slasher film. She’s fine. I’m fine. Breathe. She’s going to hate me forever.

Oh, she sounds like she’s winding down. It’s only been 17 minutes. Wow. Oh. Wait. No. There she goes again. Even louder than before. It’s killing me; she keeps screaming for me. Great, now she’s coughing. Breathe baby, breathe. Please don’t have an asthma attack. Yes, screaming is much better than coughing. 20 minutes. I can do this for five more minutes. In five minutes if she’s still shrieking I’ll go get her. In five minutes it’ll be midnight then I’ll go get her. Dr Sears would so disapprove. But he’s nuts so who cares. I’m can’t co-sleep until she’s 7.

She fell asleep so easily, I thought we were golden. I can’t believe she woke up so early tonight. She usually sleeps until at least 1! Urg, why can’t she just stay asleep when I put her down. I rocked her back to sleep twice! I can’t keep doing this. She has to learn. I am not a monster for letting her cry. She’ll be much happier in the long run. Oh my God. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m going to throw up if this lasts much longer. It’s midnight, but she’s starting to lose steam. I can do this five more minutes. Five more.

Oh, she just took a long break. Now she’s just whimpering. Maybe I can unclench my fists. Ow, my nail broke through the skin. Crud. Hey, she’s quiet. Sobbing, but quiet. Wait. False alarm. She had a little more fight left in her. What’s that sucking noise? Is she sucking on her thumb? There she goes again. She keeps crying “nenenene.” Is she trying to say tetine*? Man I feel so mean. My poor baby. There’s no way she can understand why I’ m ignoring her. She knows I’m in here. I’m so sorry baby. Mommy is so, so sorry.

She’s quiet. Quiet sobs, but no more crying. Her breathing is getting deeper. She’s actually asleep. It’s been 31 minutes. I can’t believe it. she’s asleep. Now I should probably get some sleep. Wow. She’s asleep. I sure hope she stays down. I don’t think I can take any more of this tonight. There is no way I can make her cry if she wakes up again. Am I seriously supposed to do this every time she wakes up? I so wish we had a room to put her in so I could just close the door and let her get through this. Having her in here with us is just too hard. My poor baby. Is she ever going to hug or kiss me again?

Little L woke up an hour and a half later at her usual feeding time. I did not make her cry again. She hugged and kissed me as I carried her to the living room so I could feed her. It’s pathetic but until she snuggled into my neck I wasn’t really sure that she would forgive me for abandoning her as she screamed. I almost cried again when she kissed me.

Tonight Little L was awake when I put her in her crib at bed time. She cried for 25 minutes before falling asleep. I fully intend to let her cry when she wakes up for her 1am feed, but I don’t know if I can handle a full night of ignoring her. This stuff ain’t for the faint of heart.

*pacifier in French.

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7 responses

  • Oh, my heart goes out to you!

    This is one for the unsolicited advice file – feel free to ignore it if it’s not suitable for you. My suggestion is to try a baby sleep consultant. A couple of my friends here have tried it and swear by it. It sounds like you could use the support of a third party to help you with what you are doing. I’m sure you could find a sleep consultant through your community nurse or the yellow pages.

  • Oh I hate this part. I remember doing it too. I would cry because I felt so bad, I actually would sit out the door with a timer in my hand and hand on the doornob ready to go in when it went off. It didn’t help that my husband is way worse than me, and I had to barricade him from the room too… making me feel even worse than I already did. And when everyone was asleep finally, I would lay there because I was so torqued up that I couldn’t sleep. It was horrible. Hang in there. I will be thinking of you.

  • Breathe… just breathe.

    She’ll get better. Now 30 minutes, in a few days 20 then 10 …

    Hang in there. Everyone has their technique and you know what’s best for your baby.

  • There truly is nothing worse, and no one has the little pill that’s going to make it easier, or the technique you haven’t tried, or wahtever. It’s for her own good, you know that already, and definitely for YOU”RE own good. It’s just another step she has to take in growing up, and the truth of it is, we never really want them to grow up. We just want them to let us sleep 🙂

    Hang in there hon.

  • Nothing worse in the world than listening to your baby cry for you. Just remember it gets better each night. Eventually she will go to sleep with no crying. I feel for you.

  • My MIL babysits my kids three days out of the week while DH and I work (my mom watches them the other two days. I know, I’m very lucky). She’s an awesome babysitter but she likes to hold the baby and rock him to sleep in her la-z-boy recliner. He’ll sleep for hours in the security of her arms. Needless to say, he doesn’t sleep through the night and needs to be ROCKED or danced to go to sleep. =( I wish I could train my baby to fall asleep on his own but my MIL is pretty stubborn about doing it her way. Good for you for staying strong, as heartbreaking as it is.

  • Sun

    Oooh, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this! It’s so tough to hear our babies cry…I went through the same thing w/ A when she was 8months old. She (luckily) didn’t have sleeping problems at night, but she wouldn’t nap very long during the day & she NEEDED it. She’d be sleepy & cranky all day long. So I did the cry-it-out sleep training 2x a day for 2 weeks…and it was HORRIBLE. I sat by her door & sobbed w/ her for 2 days. On the 3rd day, there was progress! She started napping for 2hrs in the AM (vs. her 20-45mins), so I knew it was working & there was hope for the PM nap. Unfortunately, that took another 1.5weeks of crying, sobbing hysterically, and the whimpering cry (which broke my heart the most).

    I made sure that I gave A extra cuddling & kisses throughout the day, and she never seemed to hold a grudge. One of the best things I learned in a parent support group was that babies don’t ‘hold grudges’…they usually cry because we’re changing the routine on them, and they don’t like change. It made sense to me, so I’d keep reminding myself of that during the 2 weeks.

    Be strong! If you’re consistent, hopefully, it won’t last too much longer!

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