I’m not a monster. She needs to learn to fall asleep on her own. She’s fine. I’m fine. She’s fine. She won’t hate me in the morning. She’s OK. She’s just angry. Breathe Jessica. Breathe. Oh my God. She sounds like she’s possessed. It’s like an exorcism. I should tape these sounds and use them in a slasher film. She’s fine. I’m fine. Breathe. She’s going to hate me forever.
Oh, she sounds like she’s winding down. It’s only been 17 minutes. Wow. Oh. Wait. No. There she goes again. Even louder than before. It’s killing me; she keeps screaming for me. Great, now she’s coughing. Breathe baby, breathe. Please don’t have an asthma attack. Yes, screaming is much better than coughing. 20 minutes. I can do this for five more minutes. In five minutes if she’s still shrieking I’ll go get her. In five minutes it’ll be midnight then I’ll go get her. Dr Sears would so disapprove. But he’s nuts so who cares. I’m can’t co-sleep until she’s 7.
She fell asleep so easily, I thought we were golden. I can’t believe she woke up so early tonight. She usually sleeps until at least 1! Urg, why can’t she just stay asleep when I put her down. I rocked her back to sleep twice! I can’t keep doing this. She has to learn. I am not a monster for letting her cry. She’ll be much happier in the long run. Oh my God. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m going to throw up if this lasts much longer. It’s midnight, but she’s starting to lose steam. I can do this five more minutes. Five more.
Oh, she just took a long break. Now she’s just whimpering. Maybe I can unclench my fists. Ow, my nail broke through the skin. Crud. Hey, she’s quiet. Sobbing, but quiet. Wait. False alarm. She had a little more fight left in her. What’s that sucking noise? Is she sucking on her thumb? There she goes again. She keeps crying “nenenene.” Is she trying to say tetine*? Man I feel so mean. My poor baby. There’s no way she can understand why I’ m ignoring her. She knows I’m in here. I’m so sorry baby. Mommy is so, so sorry.
She’s quiet. Quiet sobs, but no more crying. Her breathing is getting deeper. She’s actually asleep. It’s been 31 minutes. I can’t believe it. she’s asleep. Now I should probably get some sleep. Wow. She’s asleep. I sure hope she stays down. I don’t think I can take any more of this tonight. There is no way I can make her cry if she wakes up again. Am I seriously supposed to do this every time she wakes up? I so wish we had a room to put her in so I could just close the door and let her get through this. Having her in here with us is just too hard. My poor baby. Is she ever going to hug or kiss me again?
Little L woke up an hour and a half later at her usual feeding time. I did not make her cry again. She hugged and kissed me as I carried her to the living room so I could feed her. It’s pathetic but until she snuggled into my neck I wasn’t really sure that she would forgive me for abandoning her as she screamed. I almost cried again when she kissed me.
Tonight Little L was awake when I put her in her crib at bed time. She cried for 25 minutes before falling asleep. I fully intend to let her cry when she wakes up for her 1am feed, but I don’t know if I can handle a full night of ignoring her. This stuff ain’t for the faint of heart.
*pacifier in French.