About once a month I learn about a new sleep technique and I get all fired up again about the fact that Little L is still not falling asleep on her own or sleeping through the night. All my resolutions about letting things just happen on their own fly right out the window and I start torturing myself all over again.
For a few evenings I put her down wide awake and I let her cry and cry, and then when she starts coughing I go get her, hold her tight, feed her the last ounce of her bottle and watch her fall asleep in my arms. I put her in her crib and leave the room frustrated that I’ve once again failed to teach her anything.
Then after a few days I realize, once again, that I’m not helping anyone, least of all Little L or myself and I take a huge cleansing breath and I go back to the routine that was working for us before I started surfing the net all over again.
Yes, I wish we were sleeping through the night. Yes, I wish I could put Little L in her crib wide awake and have her drift off to sleep unaided. Yes, I wish we had a million dollars. (Well, while I’m wishing I might as well wish big and I don’t really want a pony.) But I have to be patient, it’s all going to happen in its own time.
I’m convinced that weaning Little L is going to solve all of our sleep issues. When she wakes up in the middle of the night she doesn’t want a bottle, she wants to nurse. When she fights to stay awake in the evening, again it’s because she wants to nurse. She craves the closeness, and frankly I crave it too. At the end of the work day all I want to do is curl up on the couch and hold her tight while C plays next to us, bringing us pretend cookies and pretend tea.
I fully intend to wean Little L when she turns 10 months old. From the get-go that was my goal, and now that we’re getting close I’m still committed to my deadline. Even if quitting early might mean that I’d get more sleep sooner. C got ten months of breast milk, there’s no reason Little L should get less.
Next week I’m dropping a pump session at work, two weeks after that I’m dropping the other. I’m pretty sure it won’t take long for my milk to start drying up. For a month I will nurse Little L in the morning and the evening, and even at night if she so desires, but after that we’re done. And then, and only then, if she’s still waking up every few hours to eat at night or having trouble falling asleep on her own, then I’ll pull out the big guns and do some hard core sleep training.
Now who’s going to remind me of all my resolutions next month when I hear about a new sleep technique?
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