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Baby steps towards regaining control

standard February 2, 2008 1 response

This past week at work people have tiptoed around my desk, looked at me with worry in their eyes, and asked cautiously if I was OK. You’d think I had a huge flashing neon “About to go postal” sign hanging over my head. Or maybe they could all see the crazy rolling eyes. Fact is, for the first time ever, whenever someone asked me if I was OK I was sorely tempted to answer “No! Do I look OK?” And then burst into tears. But I never did, because it was always the wrong time, or the wrong person, or I had to run to a meeting.

This morning two of my coworkers held a mini intervention and convinced me that I needed to drop the martyr act and start doing something for myself. And they’re right, it’s time. Enough whining about not sleeping, not having time for me, blah, blah, whine, whine. If I really want to take care of myself there’s a way.

I decided that Little L wouldn’t die if she spent an extra two hours at daycare every week, so on Monday mornings I’m going to take her, nurse her there, and skedaddle for a couple hours of peaceful writing in my favorite coffee shop. I’ll go pick her up before she needs to eat again, because one of the things that I love about Mondays is the fact that I don’t have to pump. Then I’ll be able to focus on her in the afternoon without feeling torn because I want to be writing.

I’m also going to resume Yoga classes. My beloved teacher is teaching a Thursday evening class for post-partum moms that focuses on “refilling our cups.” When I read the class description I almost wept, I think that’s a sign that it might be right for me.

One baby step towards nurturing my mind, another for my soul, and maybe, just maybe I’ll make it through the next few months unscathed.

As for Little L and her sleeping, I’m meeting with the nurse practitioner next week to try to figure out a solution. What we’re doing now isn’t really working, but my growing suspicion that she suffers from the same asthma as her sister makes me loath to even attempt CIO. (When she cries hard she starts to cough and choke, which, aside from not being very conducive to falling asleep, is just plain worrisome in my book.)

Baby steps, baby steps, but at least I don’t feel like I’m flailing in the dark any more.

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1 response

  • This all sounds so familiar!

    Typing with one hand but wanted you to know you’re not alone.

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