“What do you want for dinner?” M calls at 4:30 with the daily question.
“What do I want? Or what should we have?”
“Euh…” Wisely he doesn’t venture further. The manic tone of my voice doesn’t bode well for anything.
“Because what I want,” I plow on, “what I want is something smothered in cheese and heavy cream with a side of deep fried stuff. And what I should eat is definitely not that.”
“Because I’ve been good all day, and even though I’m having the crummiest of crummy days, I don’t deserve to eat crap, I deserve to treat myself well and feed myself something healthy. Even though I really, really want something unhealthy and I feel like I deserve it.”
“Oooohhhhkay. Then what should we have for dinner.” He’s a man on a mission; he wants a dinner plan.
“Oh. Whatever. We can have the raviolis at home. “
“Oh. That sounds great! OK. See you there.”
I want to eat to ease the stress. I want to stuff my face with chocolate and fatty foods, any kind, I don’t care, doesn’t matter. I’m a stress eater. In times of angst and distress I turn to food for comfort, but it never makes me feel better. In fact it usually makes me feel even worse, because after I shovel food in my craw, I tend to feel gross and fat and disappointed in myself.
“Instead of turning to food I should turn to the things that make me feel better, that make me feel fulfilled!” I said to my friend after getting off the phone with M. “We deserve to treat ourselves better! We deserve to stop abusing ourselves!”
“Yes! Yes we do!”
“I should go home and write! I always feel better when I write! And I can put on some fun music and dance with the kids! I love doing that!” I bounced out of her office, pumped, convinced I had the solution. I don’t need creamy cheesy pasta. I don’t need fully loaded nachos. I need a list of the things that make me feel truly fulfilled, and at the top of that list are my family and my writing.
What’s at the top of your list? What makes you feel fulfilled?