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Just when it was getting easy

standard November 13, 2007 6 responses

“So I was thinking I could bring her on Wednesday afternoon, Thursday morning, and all day Friday. Would that work? Is that enough?” I clutched the baby to my chest and looked at Kathleen, willing her to tell me that I didn’t need to bring Little L for test runs this week. She looked amused as she told me that it sounded fine. I hinted that maybe it would be enough for her to just start full time next week, but she murmured that they needed to get to know her, that she was worried about how the baby was going to adjust.

I’m not worried about the baby. I don’t even think that she needs an adjustment period, (honestly, not selfishly) she loves the people at the daycare; she beams at everyone the entire time we’re there for pick up or drop off. She’s going to be just fine.

I am worried about me. Work is one thing, but I just can’t think about that now. Right now, I’m worried about our nursing relationship coming to an end. It was so tough at first, I struggled with the act, I struggled with the notion, and in the end I tricked myself into not stopping. Today nursing is the easy way for us. I no longer worry about making enough milk. I no longer agonize about nursing in public. It’s just right. And it’s probably going to end next week.

At the office there’s no pumping room. There’s nowhere other than a bathroom. There are no spare offices. There are no spare supply closets. There’s just a bathroom. Part of my job is answering phones; it’s going to be hard being away from my desk for long stretches of time multiple times a day. At the end of the day there’s going to be Little L, and there’s going to be C, and it’s going to be brutal trying to balance reconnecting with everyone while nursing the baby and getting dinner ready. I fully intend to nurse whenever I can, and pump whenever possible, but I know that work is going sound the death toll of our nursing streak, and it makes me want to scream and cry. It’s so unfair that it should end just as it was getting easy.

Sometimes being a grown-up just sucks. I want to throw a tantrum. I want to let myself fall in a heap and cry and kick until someone lets me get my way. I want to scream. I want to hold my breath until I win. But deep inside I know it’s not worth it. The rational part of my brain knows that come Tuesday morning I’m going to drop off my daughters and head to work, where I’ll do my job and pump when I can, and no amount of tantrum or tears is going to change that. A tantrum would just be a waste of energy.

On a completely different note. Have you heard of cre8buzz? Do you want to join? Let me know. I have a ton of invitations to hand out!

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6 responses

  • I don’t remember how old your daughter is.

    A change in your schedule doesn’t necessarily have to mean it’s over for good. Lots of mothers are able to nurse once or twice a day. Your body, while it will be uncomfortable at first, will probably adjust to have enough milk to keep her going, but not so much you’re leaking.

    I know it’s hard, but try to think of it not as the end of something, but the beginning of something else. You’ll nurse when you can, and you’re both going to be fine.

  • I hope that you are able to continue to nurse as much as possible even with going back to work.

  • I went through the same thing when Fizzy started day care three days a week. She was 9 months old and I really would have liked to keep breastfeeding till she was a year old. But there was nowhere to pump at work. By the end of the first week, Fizzy stopped wanting to be breastfed anyway. She was too busy playing, looking around and having a good time. I couldn’t believe my sudden freedom! She could stay over at her grandparents’. I could go out and get my hair done without my milk letting down every time someone asked about my daughter.
    For the first time in nine months, I didn’t have to wear nursing pads any more. And never again would I forget to do up my bra and leave my boobs hanging out in public.
    I’m sure it will work out the way it’s meant to be.

  • I so hear you on the no pumping room at work. When I went back to transcribing at the pd on night shift after Trinity, I had to bring the pump and an extension cord and be in a bathroom stall! (Day shift folks had a special room.) *grrr*

  • I’m sure you’ll find the place and time to pump, sacrificing whatever free time you might have at work before.
    Let me know how it works out as I will be facing that same issue in a few months!

  • there is no need for it to end, you can still pump during the day and nurse her all evening and into the night..plus you still have your weekends. my sister in law worked a sixty five hour week and still continued to nurse for 18 months. so it can be done, it doesnt need to be the end. i always agonized over ending nursing and felt horribly guilty. my hat goes off to you because i could never work and leave my babies. and i know in todays world you need two incomes, but i can tell you honestly that we live on under 400.00 a week and i stay home.we have a good life, but we live hand to mouth and alot of people dont want to live like that. i seriously commend you for working. i really do. i am always here if you want to talk about mothers guilt!! i suffer from it on a daily basis!! lol

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