Black

standard October 1, 2007 8 responses

Lately I’ve been wondering whether I’m depressed or just tired. Is one a symptom of the other, or are they totally unrelated? Either way, I’ve been holding my head just barely above water for the last few weeks.

Parenting is tedious business, made ever more challenging when you’re wandering around like a zombie and staring at the clock so that maybe it will see you and move just a little bit quicker.

If only that would actually work.

I’m not sure if it’s a lack of balance, the stark reality of loneliness, or the nagging reminder that I haven’t had actual fun in a very long time. Sure. It’s fun to play chase with my daughter, and bounce my son high in the air as he laughs heartily.

But that “let-go-no-care-in-the-world-laugh-til-you-just-about-pee-yourself” fun is a distant memory. With friends, with family, with spouse. It’s cleaning, cooking, wiping, and crying.

And not sleeping.

I’ve never thought in all my years of tragedies and challenges that I was depressed. Okay, once I figured out that I was, but I just pulled myself up by my boot straps, or at that time, really sexy boots with no straps but great heels, and went on with life. But now, I’m digging out a little slower, swimming a little less energetically, and my will for trying to find that place where I’m thankful and appreciative for my surroundings is waning.

Does a pill make you believe you’re good enough? Do those drugs make you optimistic? Does altering your chemical imbalance with something artificial make you just smile and nod because you just can’t fight any longer?

Does it make my husband more empathic and understanding?

If so, then I’ll take them. In large doses.

I want to be happy without having to make myself be that way. I want to smile because of the goodness I see in my world. And I want my kids to see the wonderful person I know that I am, without the rainy cloud always following me around.

Or maybe I just need sleep.

Kristen is a very tired, yet very determined mother of two. She’s the author of Motherhood Uncensored and The Mom Trap — where you’ll find Rose (a.k.a Jessica) hanging out today.

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8 responses

  • Motherhood is tough. You conveyed an all too familiar feeling I believe most mother’s have. Thank you for being brave enough to share the not-so-fun aspects of motherhood.

    Now, go get thyself nap! You deserve it! 😉

  • oh Kristen, I’ve been reading your blogs for a while now, and I’m so sorry for all you are going through.

    Talk to your doctor, it’s my understanding that the drugs do help.

  • anti-depressants can’t do that for you – trust me. try LSD.

    :-/

    hope things look up soon. or eventually anyway.

  • Anonymous

    Speaking from experience, medication can be a good thing. Any kind of help is a good thing, as a matter of fact. Depression, for me, is nothing to mess around with – at one point nearly costing me my marriage and then my life. If you have even the slightest idea that you might be in a real depression, please seek professional help. Please! Your babies need their Mom to be healthy.

  • Hopefully you are getting the rest you need and deserve. Sleep deprivation is very very serious.

    But so is depression. I have many family members and friends (I’m not using the word “many” lightly here) who have grappled with this and are doing much better with prescriptions.

    Take care of yourself.

  • Well, there is a lot to be said for sleep as well.

    Motherhood is tough, especially when you have really young ones.

  • sleep is good. after that, well, sometimes docs know what they’re talking about…

    feel better, hon

  • Lady – You’re an awesome mom and wife and daughter and friend. Don’t forget that you are going through stuff lots of people would sink under. Plus, didn’t you just have a baby? And don’t you already have a pretty energetic kid? Luckily, my jail time ends tomorrow. Pray that J won’t need to move in for too long after J & P hit the road. Does that make me a bad person? I just want to have enough energy to actually call my favorite friends and laugh with them! xoxoxxoxo from the Southeast.

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