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The end of the rope

standard May 18, 2007 1 response

Being the 28 week pregnant mom of a two year old can be trying. Being that same mom and working a full time job that no longer thrills you is even tougher. Throw into that mix a husband with a pinched a nerve in his shoulder and you get a very, very tired woman at the end of her rope.
All I want to do is be left in peace for an hour or so each day so I can write. The blank screen, the clickety keys, these are the things that bring peace to my soul at the end of harrowing days. Too often, though, the days are too long and by the time I sit on the couch and pull the computer onto my lap my brain is blank and I feel nothing but frustration. Any inspiration that has struck throughout the day has been erased by minutia. Even if I write down my ideas I can’t find the energy to do them justice. My writing is flat and uninspired, the true essence lying too far behind the platitudes for even a twinkle to be glimpsed.
I don’t love my job. I used to, but I no longer feel any satisfaction from doing the things I do. I used to feel essential and irreplaceable, that’s no longer true. I used to be excited to get there in the morning, now I dread pulling into my parking spot. I no longer feel appreciated, and though I hate to be governed by external validation, it makes all the difference. However, I would be happy to put up with all of it if my coworkers and employers would just let me do my job in peace. I could get to work, do everything I have to do, be pleasant to everyone, go home and write. I could focus on making a real career out of the activity I love best. But the madness at the office keeps seeking me out of my well protected corner. I try and try to ignore it, to just do my thing and go home, and it still finds me and pulls me in. I spend time worrying about my coworkers, I agonize over office politics, I fret about what people are saying about me, and I waste all of my energy on issues that I don’t want to care about. It’s frustrating beyond belief.
I need to find the strength deep inside to be true to myself. I need to be strong enough to ignore the distractions, both petty and real, and find the time to be who I want to be. It’s just so very hard when life pulls at me from every direction and I’m so very tired.

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1 response

  • Rose – I’ve been scanning posts for the last hour that reference “office politics” and yours stuck out among the endless myspace generation whinings as being a real person with real issues.

    As a contributing writer for http://www.office-politics.com, I always tell people that their job should never have a prolonged negative effect on their health (mental, physical, or emotional). As a father of two girls, I did everything imaginable to alleviate stress from my wife while she was pregnant, and I understand the natural stress that puts on you.

    As for office politics, it is a game you can win (or at least play more effectively). I suggest you visit my site and the office politics site I mentioned above. Helping people manage this aspect of their professional lives has become my passion.

    Good luck with the pregnancy and the job. As for the two-year-old, I have one of those at home too… my heart goes out to you 🙂

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