Deepest, Darkest

standard April 2, 2007 5 responses

C plays with her dolls and I watch, mesmerized. This child, this amazing little person came from me. She grew in my womb, feeding from what I ate, growing on my love. For months I was the only one who felt her pokes and prods. I rubbed her back through my belly, pushed her feet out of my ribs, holding them tenderly in my hand. When she was born she surprised me, from day one she was so very much her own little person. My chin, M’s eyes, her personality.
To say that it was love at first sight would be a fallacy. I hardly knew her, how could I love her? My love for C has grown day by day until it now oozes out of me. Even when she’s being a brat I can’t help but want to scoop her up, squeeze her silly, and cover her in never ending kisses. She is my daughter, my flesh and blood, and right now, she owns my heart.
In four short months there will be another child in my arms, another babe at my breast, and I am petrified. I’m not scared of having to care for an infant, I’ve done it before and I’m pretty sure M and I can do it again. My deepest, darkest secret, only revealed to a few close friends and the Internet, is that I’m terrified I won’t be able to love this child as much as I love the first.
If you mention this fear to just anyone they will brush it off, tell you that everyone feels that way, that it’s normal. They will tell you that there is no limit to how much love a heart can hold, that having a second child won’t take away any love from the first. The words make sense, but my brain doesn’t buy it. It’s like trying to reason with someone who has a phobia, the logic doesn’t penetrate the fear.
C and I have a special relationship. I understand her like no one else. She is always my first priority, my first thought. I can’t fathom having to share myself between two children. Who will come first? Who will I run to first in an emergency? How will I split myself in half? How is sharing me going to affect C? Will she feel less loved, less cherished?
These questions tear at my head and my heart filling me with fear of what’s to come. It’s my deep, dark secret, the one I can’t share with just anyone.

This post was inspired by the Sunday Scribblings promt Deepest, Darkest. Click here for more great entries.

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5 responses

  • I’m glad you shared it with us 🙂 Like others have told you, this is apparently a completely normal feeling, but that doesn’t make it any less real or stressful or worrisome in the moment. Excellent reflection.

  • “It’s like trying to reason with someone who has a phobia, the logic doesn’t penetrate the fear.”
    —–

    But once the person has had to live the phobia, they are “cured” of it. And so it is with your situation. Believe me I know. I have two children. And each gets one atrium and one ventricle.

  • I had the same fear… so here is my deepest darkest. Once I had the ‘new’ baby, I was still worried. He was fussy and full of colic. And all I wanted to do was be with my adorable 16 mo old who was discovering the world at a rapid pace. Then a few months later, the colic subsided and the newborn was cute and snuggly and all I wanted to do was be with him and not the demanding 2 year old. I think that you feel the love deeply for both your kids – in completely different ways. I cannot describe it. I don’t love them the same way (in the sense that I appreciate different things about them), but I do love them equally and just as much. Some days you are drawn to one, some days the other. But definitely they are both my first priority. How can that be? I don’t know, it just is.

  • your post had memories come floating back to me. I felt EXACTLY the same way. I won’t say all those things people keep telling you, but may I give you advice?? When that new precious one comes along Don’t make the mistake I made and try to distinguish C from he/she, by making her a “big girl now”. I look back on video tapes and cringe. My son was only 2 and 1/2 and I was trying to put him in the “big brother” category.

  • My son was only 20 months old when my daughter was born, and although I didn’t even think I wouldn’t love eth second, I remember my son, oo young to understand, and for teh past 20 months benig my first priority, cried with confused hysteric as to why I didn’t interact with him teh same as always. It broke my heart, because there was only one of me and I had to tend to everyones needs, but I just couldn’t do that all the time. Of course she and his sister are pretty close now and how could I not love them both the same, but also differently, they are differently people, the apples of my eye.
    Thaks for sharing this, and good luck for the remainder of your pregnancy.

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