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standard December 22, 2006 1 response

Doubt and fear fill my heart a little more with each passing moment. Spending time with my baby neice was supposed to help me get excited over being pregnant, help me look forward to the new arrival. So far, just the opposite has been true.
She is a delicious, sweet little thing. She smiles all the time and doesn’t cry much. But holding her and caring for her fills me with dread. Today, I don’t think I want another child.
I used to think I was a baby person. Now I’m not so sure. C was an easy easy child. She hardly cried and slept pretty well from day one. She wasn’t sickly. She wasn’t clingy. On the newborn spectrum I think most people would agree that she ranked on the easy side. I have no reason to think that this next child won’t be the same. But I can already tell that our lives will be exponentially harder, and I’m just not ready for that.
I love the little life that we have. I love our routine. But I already feel stretched to the max. I just don’t know how I can stretch any more.
Today I am regretting the fact that I’m pregnant again. I should have listened to my instincts and waited. I know it’s a horrible, horrible thing to say. There are millions of people out there in the world who would give their right arm to be pregnant and stay that way. I should feel blessed and grateful. Instead I just feel trapped.
I don’t want to be the mother of an only child. But I also don’t want to be the working mother of two children. I already feel like I don’t spend enough quality time with C, how much worse is that going to get in the next few months? In the next year?
I wanted my children two years apart from each other, but I guess I forgot to consider that I also wanted to stay home with them and live in a cute little house in the suburbs. I should have let go of the ideal and focused on reality.

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1 response

  • I am thinking of you! I am not pregnant but I think I know exactly how you feel because those thoughts run through my head every day. I stay home (because I always wanted too) and I have a really hard time with it. I miss work. It will never be perfect (which I should have known).

    Have faith that everything will work out. Oh and start playing the lottery so maybe you’ll never have to work again! 😉

    Happy Holidays!

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