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And again…

standard November 16, 2006 Leave a response

Anxiety grips my stomach again. It seems to come and go, but tonight it’s definitely here.
I can’t tell if it has to do with the fact that I am a day or two away from ovulation or with the fact that in two days M will find out whether he passed the Bar or not.
Although the Bar results should be the obvious cause of my anxiety I have a hunch that it’s not the problem. At the end of the day whether or not M passed doesn’t really change anything for us. Clearly it’ll be a pain, especially for him since he would have to study all over again. But, unlike many of his friends, his job isn’t on the line. He wouldn’t even get a pay cut. He’s been working as a clerk these last three months. If he passes he’ll be doing the exact same job, but with a better title and much better pay.
The ovulation, now that’s a whole other ballpark. I’m pretty sure that my anxiety stems from it’s imminence. The question that remains is whether I’m anxious about catching this egg or missing it. We’ve already examined, ad nauseaum, the whole “do I want to be or not to be pregnant”. If I really didn’t want to get knocked up I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be so envious of all the women turning up pregnant around me. (Seriously, it seems like every other woman I run into or work with is either pregnant or trying.) The thought of being pregnant does make me very anxious, but for all of the right reasons, and not so much that I don’t want it at all.
I think I am mostly scared to try to catch this egg. I’m scared I won’t get pregnant and after 4 cycles I’d have to admit that I might have to call my doctor and mention that things aren’t going as smoothly as the first time. I’m scared I’ll get my hopes up again. And that I’ll be disappointed again.
The easiest thing would be to pretend that our ideal window has passed and just say we are going to wait a few months before trying again. If I did that we could pretend that I wasn’t getting pregnant because we aren’t ready, not because something might be wrong.
If I did that I could go on pretending that I’m in total control over here.
But if I did that, wouldn’t I be copping out?

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