I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassed I am to be writting this post. I mean seriously, I’m writting it on a Saturday evening, that’s how embarrassed I am. (I get most of my readers during the week…) But it’s tormenting me (again) so I needed to write about it.
We are again at that time in the month where I might be pregnant, but I’m at least a week away from being able to know for sure. And, once more, I’m really confused about my emotions. Now we all know how last month worked out. Me not pregnant, which made me sad. To keep things interesting my imaginary symptoms are completely different this month. My boobs are sore and I’m a little more tired than usual. Yeah, I know. It’s not much to go on.
Once again I’m torn. Right now I’m convinced that I’m not ready. I can’t tell you how scared I am that I might actually be pregnant this time. Really, really, want to puke a little scared. I know that I would have nine months to get ready etc, etc… That’s not the problem. The issue is that I’m not ready to be pregnant again.
Compared to others my pregnancy was pretty non-descript. But that doesn’t mean it was pleasant. I gained a LOT of weight, which I have taken the better part of the last 17 months to loose. I had terribe sciatica pains throughout the whole thing. I was tired. I was grumpy and irritable. I could only eat things that were white or off white because of horrendous heartburn. And to top it all off I was plagued by a paralizing phatom pain that no fewer than three doctors told me could only be cured by giving birth. Oh wait, I forgot, did you know that you can’t take any meds when you are pregnant and have bronchitis?
I’m not just scared of being pregnant. I’m terrified at the thought of having another child. The double stroller, the two carseats, all of it is overwhelming. I know it would be fun, but I also know it would be really, really hard. And I’m just not looking forward to it.
I have to remind myself that I wasn’t excited about being pregnant with C. I don’t handle change very well, and I’ve had to deal with my fair share of it in the last few years. I have to remind myself that when I first got pregnant I was just as scared, and that it took me months to feel attached to the baby growing inside me. I have to remind myself that I have enough love inside me for another ten childen, not just C. And I have to remind myself that I’m not doing this alone. I have a great man by my side, one that I can count on to see me through the scariest parts.
Three hours ago, when I started this post, I had convinced myself that if I wasn’t pregnant this cycle I was going to stop trying until I felt really and truly ready. Now, I no longer feel that way. I still don’t know how I feel, but at least I no longer want to put an end to the whole thing. At least I don’t think I do…
Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow.