As my mother, C and I took a walk around the mall yesterday we ran into a member of my book club. She mentioned in passing that the leader of the group was looking to hand over her responsibilities and that my name had come up in the discussion.
A part of me is super flattered. I love this book club. I love the once a month meetings and the amazing discussions that we have. I really enjoy spending time with the women who participate.
Another part of me is scared stiff. What if they are all jumping ship? What if I run one or two meetings and people stop showing up?
My self confidence, at best, is never very high. I’m always convinced that people don’t really want to hang out with me, or that they don’t really like me and just tolerate me because they have no-one better to talk with. I’m always surprised when people act happy to see me, or when they are interested in what I have to say. I never expect people to show up when I have a party.
With that in mind you can see why I am so torn about this. I love the challenge that this presents and I think that it will be really fun. But I can’t help feeling that she wants out because she and the other members who have been around for a while are about to jump ship leaving me holding the reigns to a nearly defunct book club. (If we are honest here, I secretly feel that they are leaving to go start a secret bookclub that I won’t be invited to just because they hate me… but that’s a whole other level of insecurity!) Obviously all of these fears are mired in my own floundering self esteem. This book club is a sub club to my mother’s club. (Can I say club any more times in a sentence?) It’s self regenerating. We get new members every month. But I still can’t shake the fear that a better party is going on somewhere and I am not being invited.