This week I had two chances to escape and I didn’t take either.
On Thursday I had $4000 in cash in my wallet. As I drove towards the bank to deposit it into my account, I was struck by the fact that I could get pretty far with that kind of money. I mean, driving the Jeep, I could make it to at least the middle of California before running out of gas money… Instead I did the grown-up thing and put the money in my account. Aside from all the good things about my life, I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing C’s smile again.
Yesterday I went to Yoga class. I went with a close friend, and as we stood in the parking lot chatting after, it struck me that this was the first time in over two years that we were together without a child present or one of us being pregnant. Again I was taken by the thought that we should run for it. (At least to Starbuc*ks for a drink) But the adults in us took the reins, we got into our cars and headed home to responsibility.
Realistically these were not really chances to escape.
Presumably that’s because there’s nothing to escape from. What am I going to do, build a time machine and go back to being a younger me? Why would I even want to do that?
I think that my unsettled feelings right now can be explained by a few (ok, many) things:
1) Going home always makes me feel a bit insecure. I was in my early twenties when I left and at a very unstable time in my life. Going home makes me feel the way I did back then. Going home with a husband and a baby is really weird. It’s like that old space/time problem, if I show up in the past and touch my past self will everything explode?
2) I’m turning 30 this summer. My mom always joked that she stopped counting after 29. I’m a year older than that. Does that make me older than her? Does that make me a grown-up?
I’m bummed that my birthday is two days before M takes the California Bar. I’m bummed that three of my close friends are leaving the state for good a month before my birthday.
3) I’m back on WW. I hate having to count what I’m eating. I hate that I went back on because I came to grips with the fact that I hate the way I look now even more than I hate counting. I miss candy. A lot. (Why do I always decide to go back on WW when they bring the easter candy out?)
4) I’m sad that my friend/boss/mentor is gearing up for her big departure. Every file she organizes or cleans out makes me want to cry, but I have to stay happy because she’s doing the right thing for herself. Being the supportive friend blows sometimes.
5) I’m frustrated with the way the search for her replacement is going at work. If I’m going to be working closely with the person they hire, shouldn’t my opinion matter? If I’d be good at the job why does not having a diploma that says I’d be good at the job matter? (letting it go now…)
6) I had a little rant about my father to some friends the other night. I said some things that a therapist would probably find interesting… maybe I should find one…
7) My baby is almost one. I feel like I missed her whole first year. Time does go by too fast. Work takes up too much time. Too many important details are missed in the race to keep up with the minutia of every day life.
8) I thought that writting down all of the things that were bothering me would help. It hasn’t. Major bummer.
9) Maybe that’s because the thing that’s bugging me the most is that I have 4 days to complete the online traffic school thing and I still haven’t signed up and I REALLY don’t want to.