When C was born I really wanted to breastfeed. I knew I was just going to do what worked for us, but in my mind I was going to totally master the whole thing and we would be breast feeding champs.
We started out with one big problem, something I didn’t realize would be a problem until AFTER she was born. I have flat nipples. From day one I was given breast shields. I had to start pumping right away. Our second and third problems became apparent shortly after. I have incredibly slow let down and flow, plus I never made much milk.
C would nurse for an hour and still require a bottle while I pumped for another 45 minutes. We did this every 4 hours for two weeks. M went back to work and slowly I stopped nursing her during the day and just pumped. At first I still nursed in the morning and at night, but when I went back to work I stopped that too. I kept pumping though.
I guess I always thought that somehow if I kept plugging away at it something would click into place and I would start making more milk, or it would start flowing faster and I would be able to get C back on the breast.
From the start I was giving myself 9 months as my breast feeding goal.
On Friday C will be 9 months old. She’s had at least 6-10oz of breast milk a day since my milk came in. But there won’t be any ‘click’. Nothing is going to miraculously change. On Friday I will drop a pump and go down to 2 a day. By the end of the weekend I’ll be pumping less than 4 oz a day. By the middle of next week at the latest I’ll be dry.
Next week I’ll have almost two more hours of ‘free’ time a day to spend with my daughter or doing chores, but I will also have to let go of my breast feeding dreams. My baby and I have a great relationship, but this is something we will never share. It makes me sad.
I guess I can always hope that things will be better with #2.