My truth

standard August 12, 2016 1 response

After hearing her speak on the Beautiful Writers Podcast, I bought Glennon Doyle Melton’s book, Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, because I do that, buy books after I hear author’s speak, and then I popped it into the bathroom, because, let’s be honest, that’s what I do with 99% of the non-fiction books that I buy.

Having read a few chapters already, I have to say, this book might actually make it out of the bathroom. But let’s not hold our breath. Because non-fiction.

In any case, after reading the bit (at the very beginning) where Glennon explains how she came to the conclusion that her thing, her way she could give back and help, would be to speak her truth, her whole truth, so that others would hear her words and maybe no longer feel like they were alone, I thought “I do that! I speak my truth online too!”

Patted myself on the back. Smiled a little. And then my smile faltered as I realized… wait, maybe, just maybe I don’t speak my whole truth. Maybe I speak a sanitized version of my truth. Maybe I should grow a pair and try it the Glennon way, the whole unvarnished truth. The kind that resonates with people and helps them on their own journeys.

So I sat down and I opened my journal, because I’m a chickenshit and I had to see if maybe I had the guts to write my truth somewhere hidden before I could maybe share it here, this truth that has been sitting heavy in my gut for weeks now.

I have to say, it flowed easier than anticipated.

So here is my truth.

I am 40 years old and I don’t know who I am. 

I know I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter a friend.

I know I write, though I struggle with defining that part of myself. 

I know I love to watch TV and read stories. The more fantastic the better. 

I know I love to help people, to guide them and advise them. 

But, at the core, I genuinely don’t know who I am. 

I have no strong convictions, nothing I believe in passionately. 

I struggle with my weight, and have done so my whole life, but only because others have told me I should be concerned about being overweight. 

I am a rule follower because it has always been expected of me, not because I’m convinced it’s the right thing to do. 

I am 40 years old and I have always done what my family, my society, my community expects of me.

I am 40 years old and I don’t really know who I am. Nor do I have a clue about figuring it out.

 

This little block crafted by Robin Plemmons has sat on my desk for years. Maybe I should read it more often.

This little block crafted by Robin Plemmons has sat on my desk for years. Maybe I should read it more often.

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1 response

  • I think it’s ok for you to be here, right now, in a place of not knowing. It’s a place to begin looking at those next steps which will help you piece together what ‘you’ as an individual looks like. I also think we all constantly evolve. You’re in that phase of things – evolving because perhaps you’ve outgrown, or changed in a way that requires new interests, new friendships, new activities and goals to get you back to a place of knowing you are feeding your soul more. Don’t let this be an anxiety filled moment in time, use it to propel you to finding answers for yourself. Perhaps it’s as simple as reading more nonfiction and the stories and journeys of others as your start. 🙂 Step 2 – begin to test out what your convictions are and what they are not. Let go of things that don’t bring you joy and keep those that do. I don’t have all the answers, but I think it’s more than ok to not know. Even in our 40’s.

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