Doctor Google is evil. He just sits there and spits out terrifying answers to your inexperienced questions. He doesn't hold your hand. He doesn't temper his answers with caution. He just lays out facts, fact that you, or rather me, don't really understand, without a care in the world.
Terrible bedside manner.
There's nothing more terrifying than reading words like "loss of the eye" "surgery" "recurrence" or anything else when you don't even know if what you're reading comes even close to applying to your situation.
Real doctors word drop, the internet defines them, and your brain goes bananas.
Last week I tried to imagine what it would be like to have brain surgery. How I would organize the children's lives while I was out of commission. How I would help them navigate this new family crisis in a non traumatizing way. Then I moved on to wondering how I would be able to maintain our normal day to day lives if I lost the use of my eyes.
Then, of course, I progressed to freaking the f out about how I could go on living my life as me if I lost the use of my eyes.
I'm finally identifying as a writer.
How do you write if you can't see?
Two hours with an Ophthalmologist and I'm pretty sure that's not something I needed to worry about. But thanks to Doctor Google for a couple hours it was a paralyzing option.
It must have been terrifying to live at a time when you had to rely on doctors to tell you what was going on. To have to wait to sit down with them so they could explain things in person. To never be quite sure you had the whole story.
It's equally, if not more, terrifying to live at a time of over-information when you have to sort through pages and pages and pages of facts, thoughts, opinions that may or may not pertain to your particular case.
Let's be honest, I have a pretty vivid imagination. My brain needs no help to come up with fanciful and terrifying scenarios. Frankly all Doctor Google ever does is give the hysterical part of my brain ammunition to tell the rational part of my brain to shut up. "Look! WebMD says it's true! We have an eye twitch. WE MUST BE DYING!"
Having been in and out of doctors' offices over the last two years for both Ms and my care, I know a thing or two about wanting to, and needing to, be informed. There are a lot of options out there for each and every situation. Doctors don't always have the time to go into each permutation. Sometimes they have a favorite treatment option and they won't even broach the subject of alternatives unless you do. It's good, and smart, to do your own research, to come in with questions about solutions that might work well for you.
And yet, that research... it's not for the faint of heart or the vivid imagineers of the world.