Killing me slowly

standard September 17, 2006 Leave a response

This whole “I won’t bring up the making a second baby business until he brings it up first” thing is slowly killing me. Part of me wishes M would just make up his mind already, and another doesn’t want him to tell me when he does. I mean, what if he decides he’s not ready? Then what? How long do we wait? And next time how do I know he’s really ready then?

He tells me that the less presure he feels the more ready he feels. That just frustrates me. Actually no, that just pisses me off! I’ve been nothing if not hands off about this. I’ve taken not mentioning babies to an art form! Months ago we came to a joint decision about when we would start trying for #2. That decision was based on C’s age and our respective work situations. It wasn’t a whim. Once we made that decision I never mentioned it again. Although I was excited about it and wanted to talk about it, I didn’t.

I know that M deals with that kind of thing best if there is no “presure” so I refrained. I brought it up a few times in preparation of our Hawai’i trip. There was no doubt about our plan. We were most definitely on the same page. Or so I thought. But then we weren’t on the same page.
And now I’m so torn.

I am anxious at the thought of being with M. It’s not often that I let my guard down, that I let someone else make decisions for me. I feel like I have no say in what is to come.
I hate feeling this vulnerable.

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