I do not love myself. I do not, not at all.
I like that I can think and I like what I can do.
I like that I made a baby and I care for her, I do.
But my body, I do not like, not at all, not at all.

It seems as though what is on my mind is on the minds of a lot of bloggers these days. Amy, over at Mom's Daily Dose, even did a short round-up of some the other day.
My friend over at Daily Kvetch was kind enough to share her demon with the world. The least that I can do is share mine too.

I feel fat. All the time. I hate my huge boobs and how they hang. I hate the fat on my belly. I hate the way my thighs rub together. My body often grosses me out.
The thing you will hate me for? I only weigh 143lbs to my 5ft4 frame.

As I was growing up I was not particularily overweight. I was not a skinny cheerleader type, but I was definitely not overweight. It's taken me years to realize this. Sometimes I come accross pictures of me back then and wonder why my self esteem was so bad. Then I remember. My mother used to walk into the bathroom where I was toweling off (or whatever), look at me, shake her head and say:
"It's such a shame, you could be so beautiful if you just lost a little weight."

Lets move forward some 15 years.
I struggle with food all the time. I am a Weight W*atcher's Lifetime member. I have only ONCE not had to pay when I weighed in. (As a Lifetime Member at WW you don't have to pay if you are within 2lbs of your goal weight)
By American standards I am well within the norm. I wear a size 8. I look pretty good. I know that when I walk into WW the women wonder why I'm there. But I go because WW is the only thing that works for me.

Food is, and always will be my personal demon. I like it WAY too much. I like creamy cheesy things. Anything deep fried is sure to be a hit. Smother something in chocolate and my resolve melts. But candy is my true achiles heel.

Like Mer I can only loose weight if I follow the WW plan to the letter. And by that I mean, 20 points per day. 8 glasses of water or more, 5 servings of veggies, 2 servings of dairy and NO substitutings good points for junk points. If I eat my allotted points, but use only junk to do so, I will gain instead of loose. Every time. If I use up more than a third of my "extra points" I will gain instead of loose. If I exercise and eat my "exercise points" I will gain instead of loose.
I don't know what I have to do to maintain, I've never managed to do so.

When the body hatred gets too bad, or the clothes get too tight, I usually find some resolve, dig up my food journal and WW handbooks, head back to meetings. I get back on the waggon 100%. I track meticulously. I eat just my points allowance. I even, gasp, exercise. I don't eat ANY candy. No gummy goodness or sour sweetness. No chocolate. No nothing. And I start to loose. If I drink all the water I'm supposed to drink I can sometimes lose up to two pounds a week. I do this for a month or two and I start to feel pretty good about myself, even a bit cocky. And then I start to cheat.
If I have a little candy it won't hurt.
I had a bad bad week, I deserve this piece of chocolate.
I lost so much weight recently, I look pretty good, I should be allowed to splurge today.
Any excuse becomes a good excuse. And pretty soon I am so far off plan that I can't go back to a meeting. I stop tracking and I start to hate my body again. So what do I do? Duh, I eat candy. What did you think? It's not like I have any resolve.

I joined WW shortly after getting married. I reached my goal weight a year and a half later about 6 months before I got pregnant (it must have been around the winter break). I wore a size 6 for almost 4 of those months. By the time summer rolled around I was wearing a size 8. We went on a family cruise at the end of the summer and I found to my horror that I didn't fit into most of the clothes that I had brought with me.

I got pregnant a week after we returned from the cruise. The people at WW were the first to know. I almost skipped out of there after telling them that I was leaving for 9 months. I saw pregnancy as the time I could eat what I wanted and not worry about the consequences. After all, fat is important for the baby's brain development, no?

To make things worse, during my pregnancy I was plagued with attrocious heartburn that made it hard to eat pretty much anything that wasn't white. (You know, bread, pasta, cheese, eggs, milk, cream....) Veggies made me sick, fruit was torture, lets not even talk about juice. I subsisted on cereal and milk, grilled cheese sandwiches and the occasional shrimp suchi roll. I gained over 60lbs. (considering the fact that I weighed 140lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy, I find that pretty impressive.)

Everyone said that breastfeeding would help me loose all the weight. And to a certain extent the weight did come off. Within about 9 months I was back to where I had been when I first went to WW. There the weight stopped coming off and started to creep back up. So back to WW I went.
I was motivated! I was determined to be at pre-preg weight by the time I had to go to my one year OB check-up! (hey, when I went I was 10 weeks pregnant, they still think 140 was my prepreg weight, and I'm not telling them any different!) I was also determined to fit into a pretty dress I've worn all of once by the time we headed to Hawaii for a friend's wedding taking place over labor day.

I've lost my focus. Dead babies and friends leaving have given me lots of excuses. I am hovering around my 140 mini goal, but I can feel myself creeping up and I'm scared to get on the scale.
It doesn't look as though we are going to be able to go to Hawaii so my second mini goal seems pointless. We are going to start trying for #2 in the fall, so why bother loosing more weight over the summer if I'm just going to gain it right back?

I have all the excuses in the world and none of the resolve I need. I am tired of the fight and the battle has just begun. I'm exausted at the though of waging a lifelong war against the fat. But I just can't accept myself as overweight. I don't think I will ever be able to just say "this is who I am and I will just have to like it."

That's it. Tomorrow I'm getting back on the waggon.